Christmas with the Jones....

      So you know those Christmas movies where the families don't get along and all have a horrid Christmas and things go wrong and they fight and they stop talking and then at the end something happens and they all make up and tell each other how much they love each other and their long term relationship is repaired....yeah well the beginning of the film.... that's my family without the making up bit. There is always this air, where everyone has said nasty things in their heads and it just itching to say it out loud!!

      Yes i come from a broken home, whatever that means, but i have had a wonderful step dad in my life for ten years now. I say i dislike him sometimes and he irritates me something rotten but that's a normal dad, he gets angry, he shouts. But he is always here, comes to watch my shows when he doesn't want to, he drives me to London and back and helps me with anything i need. But we are 2 different families and we have been forced together, we don't really have much in common, my 'dad' has 3 girls and my mum has me and my brother. The 3 sisters are really close, so why would they be looking for another one?? A brother on the other hand, they need on of those, so its all hows it going with him?? and lets talk to him and be around him and push me out to the side lines.

     Then on top of that, we don't really have anything to talk about....why would we, if we had meet at school or something we wont have been friends, but we have to be now. So we all stuck it up and do it for our parents, i hope they know how much we are putting up with each other. Hit the air of things unsaid.

      Also REALLY doesn't help when we live in a world not to different to desperate housewives, just without us all murdering each other (though people have come close) Welcome to the world where everyone sweeps everything under the rug!! There is always an elephant in the room and no one ever says anything they are thinking.

      Welcome to my own little version on hell on earth....keeping up with the Jones, more like keep quiet and don't tell the Jones....

Can't sleep....

So as per normal i'm struggling to go to sleep....to much whirling around in this tiny little brain of mine!! So naturally before you go to sleep you think about the deepest things.....

      My grandad has cancer, i haven't seen this man in 5 years. He is my father's father. There is a whole big long family history there that i won't bore you with now. But anyway i stopped seeing my dad and his side of the family when i was 16 so 5 years in january but yeah going off the path a touch....i didnt want to stop seeing my grandad and i sent him a letter telling him so, however my nan replied for him, her i cant stand. which made me distrust him. therefore leading to the no talking for 5 years. So then i get a call out the blue a month ago telling me he has terminal cancer. I have to see him before he goes and the only time i have is this christmas. when do i go?? What date?? Who's going to be there?? How do i behave?? What do i talk about?? Am i Honest?? Do i take a christmas card/present?? do i speak to my dad and nan?? Do i blank them?? Do i tell him everything as i will never see him again?? Do i hug them?? How long do i stay?? Do i go and see him again?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH if there is anyone out there right now, who has been through my situation please for the love of god, help me out. Just the answers to one or two questions would be nice!!

     So yeah thats whats going on in my brain at the moment, and then to add to that i keep thinking about a boy, i dont think i love the boy or even want a relationship with the boy. I think i am just thinking about him because i needed something less important to distract my mind from this other stuff. Also he has been so loving and caring towards me, its so rare i dont know how to act if i'm honest!!  this isn't really life changing stuff but, its just another thing i'm thinking about, do i like him, do i like him not. was he doing this for this reason, or just because.

Normal teenage girl drama. but hey ho, I've very been normal or a proper teenager!!

My friend making day

Good evening ladies and gentleman, me is here, writing out her random brain thoughts :P

So i went up to london today to find people to live with!! For my time at central!!

I walked up to the station and bumped into an old friend and we went up on the train together.

Was stilling feeling very nervous, what if no one likes me?? what if i dont find anyone?? What if i have to wait till august?? Is that too late?? Will i find anyone then??

To many worries and thoughts and questions for a little head like mine!!

But then got there and bumped into another old friend and we got talking and everyone was talking for about an hour and a half and then within that last half an hour i think we all just made a group, there is 5 of us, 2 girls and 3 boys. I know the other girl and one of the boys from my college, so there is a certain level of comfont there so hopefully that should be nice. The boys are all on the same course and i'm on mine and the other girl is on a different one. So it brings a lovely change and mix to the group :D

    I still have the worries, you know, what if someones not happy, what if someone pulls out, what if we dont get on?? Basically what if it all goes tits up!!

   So much brain ache, but i cant seem to switch off, i cant just relax and chill because i have a group now!! Really need to learn to relax....someone wanna teach me....

listening to music....no

watching a film....no

reading a book....no

Cleaning....no

Well damn, i think i'm buggered!!

I would like to just curl up in bed on night and sleep when my head hits the pillow an the sleep, no nightmares nothing, just sleep, like most normal people you know!!

Why am i still worried...........................................


maybe i should lie down and let the music wash over me and hope at some point i will find sleep...........................................

Music....

Music,

      the one thing that is getting me though everything at the moment, it is the thing that is keeping me going. Finding artists that are helping me to make it though each day. A song that speaks to you, so you know your not alone. Putting in your headphones and blocking out your world and focusing on one you want to live it.

'Sometimes you crawl
Sometimes you don't even move at all
Sometimes you pray
Sometimes you don't have the words to say

Drop your baggage on my front door
You don't have to carry it alone anymore

'Cause tonight ain't the end of the story
Just keep turning the page
Don't give into the heartache
Don't give into the pain

This world will turn your way
Baby one of these days
This world will turn your way

Sometimes we fall
Sometimes we don't feel the crash at all
Sometimes we break
Sometimes we've taken all that we can take

Lay your burden down by my side
You know tomorrow that sun's gonna rise

But tonight ain't the end of the story
Just keep turning the page
Don't give into the heartache
Don't give into the pain

This world will turn your way
Baby one of these days
This world will turn your way

(Keep feeling it, keep feeling it
Don't give in, don't give into it)

So put in your headphones and remember that your not alone. That you will get though whatever your going though and the rhythm will keep you going. That everyone has been though this and they have made it though the clouds and seen the sunshine.

So i would like to say thank you to those artist who have saved me.

“Everybody has that point in their life where you hit a crossroads and you've had a bunch of bad days and there's different ways you can deal with it and the way I dealt with it was I just turned completely to music.”

“The only truth is music.”

And one from me 'Finding a way to say the unspeakable, finding a rhythm that speaks to your soul and a beat that keeps your heart going for one more day'

Happy daddys day

Happy Fathers Day!! Looking at all the facebook status' and tweets, i realised there are so many other people out there with dads in there lives, so i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. There are lots of people out there without dads. So i'm just going to be grateful that i have someone who is willing to step into those shoes and a wonderful mum who on most days is willing to be both parents for me. I have a stepdad who treats me like one of his own and makes my house a home.

      My wonderful single mother, who the moment she was needed, stepped up, become everything me and my brother needed all rolled into one. My mother and my father, all rolled into one. She is there everyday and never lets us go without anything. She a amazing single mother, with a sidekick :P

      So maybe my real dad, wasnt a real dad and step up like i needed him to, but i'm one of the lucky ones who found someone to step up. So happy Daddy's day, because it doesnt take much to become a father, just half your dna. But it takes a lot to be dad and a daddy, because that is a term of affection and when you are called that, it shows they are more than a father.

Happy Single Mothers Day,

And Happy Daddy's Day to my wonderful dad.

I've just cried my eyes out to watching glee, is it werid that i relate so much to rachel, well not the teen marriage and 2 gay dads part, but the rest. I just want it so much, can i be like her, can i be that amazing? Am i that amazing? i am that person people see something special in?? I know i've worked hard, but do i have the talent as well :S i want it so much and i'm not the same person. Its funny, glee started in 2009 when i started my first year at college and its like i've grown and i've grown with her and she has helped me grow, i'm not the same person i was 3 years ago. i'm new, i'm more confident and i'm more determind (i always was but more now, i believe in myself). I just it so much....

    I dream big, but is my dream just that little bit out of reach....

Soooo, its been over a year since i last wrote, but i guess, time just gets away from you.

   Tonight i'm thinking long and hard about everything, it could be a dramatic blog....i can feel it brewing. So something thats playing on my mind right now, my grandad the man i've never met, who sadly passed before i was born. I'm wearing his wedding ring now, it makes me closer to him, to a man i've never met, is that silly?? Can you miss someone you've never met....????

    I just i feel as though i know him, like he is a part of me somehow, i can feel him smile at me and be proud of me. Maybe i'm just being silly, but sometimes i think that i believe in life after death and that he is up there watching me, knowing me and looking after me. But i dont want to say these things out loud in fear of sounding stupid, so instead i shall write them. Grandad, i know you dont know me and you have never met me, but i miss you, i wear your wedding ring when i think of you, i hope your proud of me and charles and mum, mum misses you alot, i wish you were here to see her and nan, to look after them both. But you know, the impact you had on there lives keeps them going. I know you were a great man. I just wanted to say i love you.

    So anyway, something i just needed to say, So anyway moving on.

I got into central school of speech and drama wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
 I'm so excited, me sophie lowe. The girl who let everything get her down, thought she couldnt do anything is doing something amazing. I'm living my dream, i'm heading off to drama school in october, into a big scary world where i dont know everyone, i havent got a safety net, its exciting, scary, amazing and horrifying all at the same time. But its going to be amazing. I have my amazing friend emma up there already she has done her first year, but i will be with her for 2 years. She has her own group of friends and i will hopefully have one of my own, but i know we'll spend time together, then we can throw hannah and liam in to the group and its like the gang are back together again. I love my PA class so much, i wonder what my new friendships will be like :S

    So glee is the best thing in the world i dont think i have ever felt more inspired in my whole life, i guess i should give in and argee with what everyone else says, rachel berry and me are ccleary the same person. But its amazing, we dream big, and we will get big, everyday i get up and dont think i can do anything, i can watch her or listen to her and she makes me think, yes you can do this!!!!

You can do anything!!!!

I havent got anything to moan about, i dont like my job, but i'm only working there for 4 more months, then i'm off to drama school....hello!!!! I have an amazing family, amazing friends and so much to exerience and look forward to....its like anything is possible