Can't sleep....

So as per normal i'm struggling to go to sleep....to much whirling around in this tiny little brain of mine!! So naturally before you go to sleep you think about the deepest things.....

      My grandad has cancer, i haven't seen this man in 5 years. He is my father's father. There is a whole big long family history there that i won't bore you with now. But anyway i stopped seeing my dad and his side of the family when i was 16 so 5 years in january but yeah going off the path a touch....i didnt want to stop seeing my grandad and i sent him a letter telling him so, however my nan replied for him, her i cant stand. which made me distrust him. therefore leading to the no talking for 5 years. So then i get a call out the blue a month ago telling me he has terminal cancer. I have to see him before he goes and the only time i have is this christmas. when do i go?? What date?? Who's going to be there?? How do i behave?? What do i talk about?? Am i Honest?? Do i take a christmas card/present?? do i speak to my dad and nan?? Do i blank them?? Do i tell him everything as i will never see him again?? Do i hug them?? How long do i stay?? Do i go and see him again?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH if there is anyone out there right now, who has been through my situation please for the love of god, help me out. Just the answers to one or two questions would be nice!!

     So yeah thats whats going on in my brain at the moment, and then to add to that i keep thinking about a boy, i dont think i love the boy or even want a relationship with the boy. I think i am just thinking about him because i needed something less important to distract my mind from this other stuff. Also he has been so loving and caring towards me, its so rare i dont know how to act if i'm honest!!  this isn't really life changing stuff but, its just another thing i'm thinking about, do i like him, do i like him not. was he doing this for this reason, or just because.

Normal teenage girl drama. but hey ho, I've very been normal or a proper teenager!!