Christmas with the Jones....

      So you know those Christmas movies where the families don't get along and all have a horrid Christmas and things go wrong and they fight and they stop talking and then at the end something happens and they all make up and tell each other how much they love each other and their long term relationship is repaired....yeah well the beginning of the film.... that's my family without the making up bit. There is always this air, where everyone has said nasty things in their heads and it just itching to say it out loud!!

      Yes i come from a broken home, whatever that means, but i have had a wonderful step dad in my life for ten years now. I say i dislike him sometimes and he irritates me something rotten but that's a normal dad, he gets angry, he shouts. But he is always here, comes to watch my shows when he doesn't want to, he drives me to London and back and helps me with anything i need. But we are 2 different families and we have been forced together, we don't really have much in common, my 'dad' has 3 girls and my mum has me and my brother. The 3 sisters are really close, so why would they be looking for another one?? A brother on the other hand, they need on of those, so its all hows it going with him?? and lets talk to him and be around him and push me out to the side lines.

     Then on top of that, we don't really have anything to talk about....why would we, if we had meet at school or something we wont have been friends, but we have to be now. So we all stuck it up and do it for our parents, i hope they know how much we are putting up with each other. Hit the air of things unsaid.

      Also REALLY doesn't help when we live in a world not to different to desperate housewives, just without us all murdering each other (though people have come close) Welcome to the world where everyone sweeps everything under the rug!! There is always an elephant in the room and no one ever says anything they are thinking.

      Welcome to my own little version on hell on earth....keeping up with the Jones, more like keep quiet and don't tell the Jones....

Can't sleep....

So as per normal i'm struggling to go to sleep....to much whirling around in this tiny little brain of mine!! So naturally before you go to sleep you think about the deepest things.....

      My grandad has cancer, i haven't seen this man in 5 years. He is my father's father. There is a whole big long family history there that i won't bore you with now. But anyway i stopped seeing my dad and his side of the family when i was 16 so 5 years in january but yeah going off the path a touch....i didnt want to stop seeing my grandad and i sent him a letter telling him so, however my nan replied for him, her i cant stand. which made me distrust him. therefore leading to the no talking for 5 years. So then i get a call out the blue a month ago telling me he has terminal cancer. I have to see him before he goes and the only time i have is this christmas. when do i go?? What date?? Who's going to be there?? How do i behave?? What do i talk about?? Am i Honest?? Do i take a christmas card/present?? do i speak to my dad and nan?? Do i blank them?? Do i tell him everything as i will never see him again?? Do i hug them?? How long do i stay?? Do i go and see him again?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH if there is anyone out there right now, who has been through my situation please for the love of god, help me out. Just the answers to one or two questions would be nice!!

     So yeah thats whats going on in my brain at the moment, and then to add to that i keep thinking about a boy, i dont think i love the boy or even want a relationship with the boy. I think i am just thinking about him because i needed something less important to distract my mind from this other stuff. Also he has been so loving and caring towards me, its so rare i dont know how to act if i'm honest!!  this isn't really life changing stuff but, its just another thing i'm thinking about, do i like him, do i like him not. was he doing this for this reason, or just because.

Normal teenage girl drama. but hey ho, I've very been normal or a proper teenager!!